Gaining a Best Friend, Gaining a Fashion Sense

So back in high school, when I first began in my freshman year, I was absolutely OBSESSED with getting a boyfriend. I had never had one, since my parents seemed to frown upon it, and during the summer before, I'd been daydreaming about having a boy to play video games with. Yes, I was quite romantic, I know. So I began my quest to find the ULTIMATE boyfriend to fulfill all my dreams. I wanted a boyfriend with money to buy me gummy worms for Valentines Day, and I SWEAR I NEEDED somebody to hold my hand in the hallways so that I would fit in with all my friends and classmates. It was a quest I had issued to myself.

Now, back in Jr. High, I had four guyfriends. One of them had been a guy who I thought was the most handsome, dark stranger I had ever seen. I thought he'd probably be the one. And we did actually get along okay. I had asked him to the Jr. High dance, and had stuttered and felt flustered through the whole thing. Thankfully, he had ended up moving onto high school with me. He didn't know it at the time, but I was secretly already planning the date where he would play Mario with me and then we'd totally kiss because he was so impressed with how nerdy I was. In a few months, I had finally mustered up the courage to ask him out.

At age 15, I had never been into fashion and makeup. In fact, I DESPISED IT. I had seen stereotypes of why men leave women, and I was bound determined to NOT be like any other woman out there. I vowed to never take longer than a boy would to get ready in the mornings. I vowed to not care about what I looked like, and I vowed to HATE all womanly things, such as getting your nails done, your hair did, buying fancy dresses, Any of that. ALL OF THESE PROMISES WERE BROKEN, HOWEVER.

On the morning I decided to proclaim my deep, unshakable feelings for the dark and mysterious boy I had promised myself to, I got up a little earlier than normal. I put on one coat of mascara and poorly smudged some foundation onto my cheeks. I scavenged Pinterest to learn how to put my hair up into a bouffant. And the whole time I kept thinking how INSANE it was that I was doing this. I would chuckle to myself every time I looked in a mirror and shake my head in disbelief. I put on a horrifically scooped neck shirt that was SURE to show excessive cleavage, and wore hot short shorts that I hid under a long skirt so my mom wouldn't see. I was COMMITTED. I WOULD NOT BE SHAKEN.

That morning I walked proudly into school, making sure to walk in such a way to slightly jiggle my cleavage every other step. If my mom was aware of how I'd ceremoniously ripped off the long skirt to reveal my 15 year old butt in such hilariously tight shorts, she would have had a heart attack. I pushed the doors to go into the common area, my heart about to explode out of my chest. I actually felt mildly uncomfortable showing the skin I was showing. But I was focused on winning the heart of the boy I'd set my sights on. My eyes scanned the room for my beloved, and finally after spotting him, my heart did one last excited beat before it suddenly PLUMMETED to my toes.

There, standing handsome and dark as I'd always seen him, was the boy I had broken all my rules for. And there next to him, was this SHORT, small faced, STUPID SKINNY, blonde girl. They were holding hands and giggling furiously with the rest of my friends. I slowly walked up, my back slowly slouching forward. When I neared, My Future Boyfriend excitedly presented this small girl's clasped hand in his, and told me that he was HER boyfriend now. I felt crushed. My Future Man was someone else's PRESENT Man. And this girl was SO the opposite of me. I was talller, quite a bit chubbier, with long dark brown curly hair. And this girl was short and petite, with pretty straight blonde hair. Everything I had despised and thought made a girl putrid was what she was. And my opinion of her sank even lower now that I knew that JUST BY EXISTING she stole my crush away.

I was truly crushed. All my feelings had been tossed into the dirt and smushed around. The rest of the day I felt like bawling my eyes out. Each class was a torturous hour where I constantly remembered all of my shortcomings. My eyes kept stinging and slightly watering, and my mascara was smudged under my eyes and onto my cheeks. At one point, I walked into the girls bathroom and sat on the toilet to cry quietly into my skirt I had so proudly flung off my body earlier.

I don't remember exactly when, but soon after this had happened, I was hanging out in the common area with some of my friends. Every time I looked at my Ex Future Boyfriend, I felt the stinging behind my eyes again and forced myself to try and focus on other boys that could maybe fill the void in my heart. At one point in the conversation with my friends, they mentioned a new game coming out. I excitedly wiggled my hands about while tucking my arms next to my body, (A weird habit I had from when I was younger) and exclaimed how excited I was about the new game.

All the sudden I heard my name being called from across the common area. I turned to see my ex-crush coming towards me with a DIFFERENT girl in his hand. At first I thought he was going to tell me that he had a NEW girlfriend already. I recognized this girl from one of my classes. She was tall, and had blonde curly hair. She had a tight butt and a fit body paired with a nice chest. She was honestly very beautiful. I had been quite jealous of her, and therefore had not talked to her before this moment. As she was pushed over to me, my ex crush said,"Isabelle does that silly thing that YOU do with your hands! You know, the wavy thing? You guys should talk!" And he stood there proudly with his hands on his hips, waiting for us to say something. I shyly said a hello to her, and she happily smiled back.

"Hey! I saw you doing the thing I do!" She said. She pointedly made the same, excited hand waving motion that I had done just a few minutes ago. I was surprised to see her perform it so similar to me, since it was an odd quirk that had been pointed out to me several times before. In about ten minutes we fell into a deep discussion about... probably boys. I don't quite remember anymore. All I know is that we became friends quite quickly. We started pairing up on all projects, bus rides, and activities. I adored her, and shoved my jealous feelings down, because she was the first best friend I'd ever made in high school.

Isabelle was always very popular with the boys. Rightly so. Besides her good looks, Isabelle cared deeply about dressing like she was going to an interview AT ALL TIMES. She always wore heels, had her hair done, and dressed well enough that about every girl she passed in the hallway complimented her. I couldn't believe that a girl I got along with so well would stand for all of my rules against being like a regular woman. I had just gotten into Pinterest, and was seeing more and more fashionable outfits and eye makeup tutorials. Every time I saw Isabelle, I thought she was one of the girls from my Pinterest page. After spending so much time with her and Pinterest, my previous rules began to slowly slide away.

Eventually, Isabelle and I went shopping together at the nearby mall. I come from a small town, in which the only mall we had was 45 minutes away. So it was kind of a big deal to go there. In fact, it was the place many of the girls from my school hoped to meet their future husband, because for some unknown reason, it was decided that all the hot boys from neighboring schools would be there. So on top of Isabelle and I's secret motive for finding a husband, she talked extensively about how and why she dressed and did her makeup. I was amazed and impressed. I wished I had a note pad to write down all of her wisdom.

At one point, I tried on a fluffy dress that I would never be able to afford, and Isabelle kept asking for me to show it off. I quietly stepped out of the dressing room and presented myself. She joyously told me how good I looked, and remarked about how if it wasn't so expensive, she would buy it for me. I was FLOORED. I had never been so significantly and sincerely complimented by somebody who wasn't my mom. While I changed out of the dress and back into my angst band shirt and jeans, I held back the tears threatening to explode from my eyeballs. For so long I had seen being a girl as this horrific painful process. I had assumed that because my ex-crush had "dumped" me on the day I did makeup and fashion, it was an even worse evil than I thought. But Isabelle's encouraging words, that I didn't even ask for, was enough to change my whole outlook. I felt happy. And pretty. Even though I didn't look like my best friend.

I discovered quickly that ANYTHING can be your enemy if you don't understand it. When it comes to dressing well, its more complicated than simply wearing a color that brings out your eyes. Depending on your body shape, your posture, your face shape and hair, and EVEN the color of your skin, you can find different styles, shapes, and colors that will bring out your natural beauty more than you thought possible. The same can be said about doing your hair, putting on eyeliner, and even WHAT and HOW to apply lipstick. That's something I RECENTLY learned about, even though I consider myself quite learned when it comes to this stuff.

In conclusion. Don't let ANYONE. Boy or girl. Mom or Dad. Uncle or Aunt. Make you feel bad for being you, and ESPECIALLY trying new things. Don't let your ignorance of something make it your enemy. Let it be a learning experience. Basically. Just don't be scared. And don't let other people push fear onto you either.

The Beginning: What Does Anxiety Have To Do With Me?

Hey. I have anxiety. And that's pretty cool. It means I can spend a ton of my life fighting a raging battle inside my head while also dealing with the adult responsibilities that we all face. It makes me stronger than people that don't have it, honestly. I really doubt most people would deal with my thoughts as well as I do.

Anxiety isn't something to fear. Its not scary. Its not a hideous disease you'll never overcome. But it isn't easily pushed aside either. It's like... a wall that constantly appears before you, no matter what path you take. Some people's walls are made of brick and mortar. While other's walls are simply cardboard. Some walls have to be carefully climbed, while others simply fall to the ground after one simple touch.

Anxiety is like a safety mechanism your brain has skillfully and VERY EXCESSIVELY put time and effort in to create. Its the part of your brain that tells you when things are dangerous, when to be weary, and when to be scared. At every turn, most people's brains will quietly whisper,"Be careful now." But when you have anxiety, your brain SCREAMS LOUDLY about all the dangers you might face. If it sees that there will be no danger ahead, it MAKES UP danger for you to worry about. The funny thing about these made-up dangers is that they honestly are quite hilarious, if you look at it logically.

For example, whenever I go to the store, and am about to purchase a product, these are some examples of the thoughts that go through my brain.

"The cashier is going to judge you for buying that. They will be rude and make you feel bad for making such a poor choice."

"The cashier is going to make you put the product back because they don't want you to buy the thing you foolishly laid on the counter."

"The cashier will be frustrated with you because you're only buying one thing, instead of a bunch of things. They will escort you out of the store while everyone points and whispers at your stupidity."

As you can see, there is no imminent danger to buying one pair of socks at Walmart. But because your anxiety is keeping you safe from physical and emotional harm, it makes up all these scenarios so that you don't make a mistake and feel pain. Anxiety is a constant brain function, constantly reminding you about all the ways for you to feel horrible about yourself. Any words uttered out of your mouth could bring the downfall or the creation of a civilization. It's a heavy burden. It's an endless search for perfection. It's an abusive boyfriend. It's an OVER EXCESSIVE blessing.

Anxiety can be dealt with. There are ways you can carefully hold its hand to comfort it. You can tell it to back off. You can even forget about it. But chances are, it's going to be a constant companion. It's gonna be the voice that tells you that you "can't even" and that you're ugly. It's gonna be the voice that constantly tells you that your friends don't care about you. It's gonna make you feel deep. But once again. It doesn't mean that you can't function, just like everyone else. If anything, you're gonna be the person who comes out on top.

You're gonna be the strongest person alive if you have anxiety.